By Bill R. Taxpayers

In a stunning reversal of politics, the Republican Congress with the help of a dozen Blue Dog Democrats has passed new funding for the National Endowment for the Arts (NEA), upping its budget to nearly $4 billion--over 25 times the previous funding level even after it was boosted by extra funding in the original stimulus package.

"$4 billion for that great engine of job creation, the National Endowment for the Arts," declared Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN) in support of the new measure. "After all, we do know that the arts actually create three times the jobs that tax cuts do."

As Senator Thomas Coburn (R-OK), who originally sponsored an amendment to block extra stimulus money for the arts, put it, "When I found out that the French government was spending over $3 billion each year on the arts, I said to myself, "Self, we got to beat those Frenchies at their own game. We'll call them 'Freedom Arts'!"

Senate Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), looking a bit shell-shocked did say that the measure "would greatly help the arts community of Kentucky (if they can still find one left there)."

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said, "I'm down with the bling, bling, and the art thing. Anything that gets these Republican dudes tight with the hood. Dig?"

Despite the objections of Senator John McCain (the lone Republican hold-out on this bill), some of the new funding is a result of earmarking, which apparently is a new artistic approach created by artist Richard Prince. Prince told the Art Newspaper just after the new arts stimulus bill passed that he "had given up all that crap about copying Marlborough ads and other artists' work" and had taken to tattooing ears--"now that there's so much more money in it. The rest of my market just collapsed as people realized how bad a painter I was and how even worse a photographer. After all, the kids at Kinko's could do what I was doing. I just had to do something else!"

Other artists and art groups scrambled to understand how the stimulus bill worked and what they could get grants for. Here are some early interpretations of the marked-up document, which hasn't even been officially released to the public, and the areas of arts funding that it may provide:
--Funding for painting over mural paintings on buildings, which were funded by earlier funding measures.
--Funding for paintings, prints, sculptures and photographs of elephants, as long as they are not made to resemble Rush Limbaugh.
--Funding to Kinko's for copying Marlborough ads "real big".
--Funding for Damien Hirst's 18 out-of-work assistants, which Hirst so humanely fired immediately after receiving over $200 million from the auction of his "art" at Sotheby's London. Prime Minister Gordon Brown was said to be considering matching funds at press time. (Personally, I think that any curator showing Hirst's work should be pushed immediately to the top of any museum's budget chopping block.)
--Funding for performance artists like Fox News Crying Commentator Glenn Beck, who promptly changed his position on funding the arts, saying it was a conspiracy that he could really get behind.
--Funding to buy up all those paintings on velvet of Cats and Dogs Playing Poker.
--Funding to give a grant to artist Shepard Fairey, but only if he uses the funds to make a poster of Sarah Palin. Associated Press immediately protested and asked that President Obama veto the legislation.

 

By Vern Acular

After twice being closed down in both 1993 and 2006 by the largest snowfalls in the city's history, once being inundated by the second highest rainfall in the city's history in 2007, and once being blockaded by the police over a bomb scare in 2003, the AIPAD show could say that it had been through it all, but could it really?

Well, 2009 provided the astounding answer: it could get worse, a lot worse. How about a plague of hungry locusts? After Senator John McCain had ridiculed his fellow Republican from Utah, Senator Bob Bennett, over Bennett's earmark for research funding on the Mormon locusts and their control, the earmark was removed from the Stimulus Bill. Unfettered, the insects have gone wild and have now invaded as far east as New York City. Drawn by tasty photographs, the swarm covered the Armory location at the AIPAD's Photography New York Show.

"It was horrible, just horrible." cried Santa Monica dealer Peter Fetterman. "They ate up all my Cartier-Bressons, leaving only the signatures."

Petaluma dealer Barry Singer said, "I just told them all that if they eat it, they buy it!"

The flying insects seemed particularly drawn to the fine salt prints at Hans P. Kraus, Jr.'s and Galerie Daniel Blau's booths.

Apparently the only photographs untouched were the large color photographs because they were on a plastic base and were not particularly taste-worthy.

The swarm next settled on a nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant, where they were promptly exterminated by the guard rats.

 

By Cal O'Type

In a stunning reversal from contemporary auctions just a year ago, Sotheby's and Christie's latest contemporary art sales found virtually--and, since that's the only way people are bidding today in auction--NO buyers for their overpriced (urgh!...overreaching...aaargh!...misestimated) art golden calves (or at least calf hoofs) in their latest auction season.

With sales only climbing to a whopping 1% of the lots offered, Sotheby's and Christie's quickly came up with the same identical plan on the same day (but, of course, there was absolutely no collusion on anyone's part): 100% buyer's premiums and 100% seller's fees (plus even higher illustration fees, insurance fees, buy-in fees, etc.). This effectively doubles nothing, but it didn't stop the two companies from touting their newest idea for profitability to the press.

In a nearly joint press release, but of course not joint at all, the two companies simultaneously explained that by charging 100% of both fees they will make sure that no one will ever make any profit except themselves. Of course, that will only happen whenever there is a profit. Sotheby's stock soared by a full penny to 31 cents on the news.

 

By Sue Themnow

Realizing that they were about to be hung in more then effigy, the top managers of AIG's London Financial Services division decided that they would give away much of their bonuses to a worthy charity: buying up all the excess Damien Hirst art that has flooded the market, thus saving White Cube and hundreds of now-broke art collectors. Any left-over funding will go to buying up Thomas Struth pornographic reprints and big flower photos.

"We knew that all those polka dot paintings and medicine cabinets were even more worthless than those insurance policies on derivatives that we were selling, so we felt we would help the economy and the arts, by buying up all of Hirst's art and burning it," said one former AIG bundler, "that way we could make a charitable contribution to culture and save the art market from its biggest blunder yet. Plus get a great tax write-off on top of it, so we don't even have to pay any taxes on these bonuses."

"We thought about giving the money to some real charity in the U.S., but then, we said, 'What the heck, we're Brits and ex-Pats and the American taxpayers and the U.S. Congress can kiss our big British butts.'"

 

"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers."--Mahatma Gandhi

"I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."--Steven Wright
 

This is our first "April Fool" newsletter. The normal E-Photo Newsletter will
be out next week with a report on the highly successful AIPAD Photography Show
New York. No, the show was really NOT eaten by a plague of locusts, but instead
had record-breaking attendance, although all those other weather records, etc.
did indeed happen at past AIPAD shows. And, yes, believe it or not, those are
REAL quotes from both Gandhi and Steven Wright. And my further thanks to my
fellow dealers for their good sense of humor and Robert Yoskowitz for some of my
byline aliases, although all the responsibility for this newsletter belongs to I
Photo Central, L.L.C. and that guy Vern Acular, so write to him with all your
complaints
 

Even though I probably alienated whole countries with my last tongue-in-cheek newsletter, I thought I would share some of the emails and Facebook comments with you all:

Good one, Alex! I was so excited to read about the $4 Billion for the arts…until I kept reading!
--William Greiner, photographer

Fantastic!!!! Thanks, Alex.
--Bonni Benrubi, Bonni Benrubi Gallery, New York City

I enjoyed your April Fool's E-Photo Newsletter. I simply could not imagine how a swarm of locusts could invade the Armory!
--Susan L. Edlis, collector

Alex, You brought a smile to my face!
In appreciation,
--Weston Naef, Curator Emeritus, Dept. of Photographs, J. Paul Getty Museum

Hello from Stuttgart, this unimportant and unknown city near Baden-Obama-Baden. How are you? Thank you for your funny newsletter. John and I have often reminded you about the two most important things to have at a fair--first the pistol in your booth for protection against unpopular artists and second the security-frogs against all these other insects. Hope you had a good show and a good time in NYC anyhow.
--Anja Klafki, artist

Too funny, Alex! You are jaded though! Great to see you at the show.
--Lisa Newlin Galeano, art consultant, New York City

Hi, Alex. Great work! I think we could all use a good laugh.
--Daile Kaplan, Swann Galleries

Superb!
--Barry Singer, Barry Singer Gallery, Petaluma, CA

Terrific! Thanks! May I pass it on???
--Carl Chiarenza, photographer/artist/educator

Wow. How tired was I last night that I didn't even "get" that the newsletter was a joke? Unbelievable! I should've known Bill R. Taxpayers wasn't a real person. I kept wondering how his last name was pronounced. I really need a vacation.
--David Spivak, publisher, Focus Magazine

It was great to see you and AIPAD and thanks for the Fools Newsletter. The concept of Damien Hirst as a Toxic Art Asset really fits the times.
--Tom Southall, Harn Museum of Art/Univ. of Florida

No bugs in my booth.
--David Scheinbaum, Scheinbaum & Russek, Ltd., Santa Fe, NM

"Because they were on a plastic base and were not particularly taste-worthy." LOL
--David Chow, Camera Obscura, Providence, RI

Alex, you almost got me, but bells started ringing after a few seconds into reading. Glad AIPAD was so successful. Photography endures!
--Helena Srakocic, photography dealer and consultant

Hi, Alex. I love it. No fooling!
--Howard Greenberg, Howard Greenberg Gallery, New York City

Thanks for the laugh! Great.
--Ann Thomas, National Gallery of Canada

Dear I Photo Central, fantastic spoof! Thanks much and all my best.
--Saul Robbins, photographer

You got me. I did not realize that it was April Fool's day until 20% into your newsletter. Good job! We all need a little laugh.
--Richard Glance, collector

The locusts eating the Cartier-Bresson prints? That I could believe. But the Republicans backing the arts? That was just going too far. Thank you for making my day.
--Daniel Quat, collector

Mmmmmm...tasty photographs. Thanks for a smile at 2 am.
--Bill Stanton

Nice one!
--Serge Plantureux, Serge Plantureux Gallery, Paris

Love the stimulus package for the arts. I am on my way to Kinko's to copy me some Marlborough ads right now! I will have to hurry as the Japanese government recently announced that all ads featuring Americans will be banned. In response, Marlborough announced today it will cast Japanese in its famous cowboy ads.
--Kjeld Duits, Photographer, Journalist and Producer

Dear Alex, thanks for the great newsletter and again for the pass to AIPAD. I hope you did really well!
--Amy Kaufman, collector

Dear Mr. Novak, I take umbrage (usually two spoonfuls with coffee) with your latest newsletter's stance on the photography market. It should sit occasionally. Are you aware that two-thirds of the world's population has never placed a photograph in their salad spinner! The other third insists on Thousand Island dressing on their salt prints. What have we become--a nation of idling idylls?
You can glean my limp jottings that reading your droll wags have found an outlet to this fellow purveyor of prints and have inspired a quick dash to the typing board to send this missive. Carry on your carefully organized punning and hopefully your merchandise will not be handled by a beefy baggage handler who writes autobiographical fiction during his leisure time.
Sincerely,
Winston "See If You Can Find My" Link, dec.

Al, how can you kick me off your Facebook page after the prank you pulled with your newsletter? I was about to send the NEA part of the newsletter to my art friends in NY. I'm gonna get you for this. Look out for Ron Feldman.
--Larry Baumhor, photography dealer, New York City

Great newsletter. Perfect tone. You had me for a minute. Too bad you had to fess up at the end, but I understand it is a business letter. May all your sales today be real ones.
--Sharon Collins, photographer

Hah! Love the newsletter, and April Fool's back to you.
--Steve Weinrebe, photographer and educator

Alex, thank you so much for the April Fool's E-Photo Newsletter #159. I don't advise anyone to read it when drinking their early-morning coffee. I laughed out loud a couple of times, but otherwise I can warmly recommend it!
--Sebastian Dobson, photography dealer and consultant, London

Fabulous!
--Shawn O'Sullivan

You seem a little punchy in the newsletter.
--Erin Waters, photography dealer, Lancaster, PA

Yowsa!
--Annie Seaton, artist

"Vern Acular"! Great newsletter, Alex. The best in years…
--Xavier DeBeerst, AnamorFose Gallery, Izegem, Belgium

I enjoyed your "topical" newsletter of today, but please help a poor foreigner understand the finer points of Republican language: Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said, "I'm down with the bling, bling, and the art thing. Anything that gets these Republican dudes tight with the hood. Dig?" I don't dig. Tight with the hood?
-- Hans-Josef Jeanrond, photographer
(From the editor: Yes, I know that one was definitely NOT something many, if not most, Europeans would understand. Mike Steele is the Republican's one Afro-American at the higher levels. He is known for his "colorful" street language, which has upset many in the Republican Party and has been parodied here a lot on our late television comedy shows. "Tight with the hood" means that you would be well liked by your district or constituents, although it is black street slang for close with your local friends. I may need an English translation for my newsletter (LOL, or laugh out loud).

Loved it, by the way. About the locusts and all. I'd have to say that most would eat up whatever I showed them, with only a few asking for smaller portions. I hate locusts on diets.
--Catherine Couturier, John Cleary Gallery Fine Art Photography, Houston, TX

Very well done! Particularly love the 100% premium headline. It is certainly beginning to feel that way.
--David Mahoney, collector

Ha-ha…
--Ellen Katrine Syverstad, Ellen K Fine Art Photography, Snarøya, Norway